The "It's As Bad As It Sounds" Job

There is only one procedure at the veterinary hospital I work at that I really don't like doing and that's when I have to be...the ejaculator assistant. Yeah, it's as bad as it sounds.  So, what does an ejaculator assistant do?  Well, in a nut shell, I have to take a torpedo shaped rubber device that is the length and size of your forearm and insert it into a bull's behind.  When it is in place, the ejaculator will stimulate him and  cause him to ejaculate. The doctor will then collect the semen sample and look at it under the microscope to assess the semen's shape, count how many are present and see if they're skooting around like normal semen should. Who cares about all that?  Bull buyers, that's who. Buying and selling good breeding stock bulls is a serious business.  People spend a lot money on these animals and rely on them to breed their cows and produce viable offspring.  When they spend that kind of money they want to make sure those boys aren't shooting blanks.  With their bulls semen tested, owners can show potential buyers the test results and guarantee that their bull's "guns are fully loaded".
When I do this procedure I always feel like I'm going at the bull with an "only one thing on my mind" approach as I stick that thing up his rear end and stimulate him without even getting to know him first. I usually try to take my lunch or pass that procedure on to someone else when I see it on the appointment book. But there's no getting out of it when Betty and Bud make an appointment. Betty and Bud, who are in their 80's, raise black Angus bulls and steers that they sell locally and haul to sales.  I've driven by and seen the two of them tossing hay out the back of their pick up during massive winter rainstorms feeding their cattle.  I've watched Bud hooking up irrigation pipes in their pastures during the summer months.  Together they fix fences, move cattle and they'll even drive six hours south, after feeding in the morning, to sell a few bulls, then turn right around to make it home in time to feed that same night.  Those two are some movers and shakers. 
Betty and Bud, well, they took a liking to me and when they want to bring their bulls in to be semen tested they won't let anyone assit the doctor but me. Those two think that I'm pretty special and have that je ne sais quoi...that certain something... to make their bulls prove to the world that they are all BULL.  If I'm not going to be at work on the day they want an appointment, they will hold off and make it for a day that I will be there. If I call in sick because I drank too much tequila the night of my 31st birthday and they have an appointment... I take handful of aspirin, chug some Gatorade and I drag my butt to the office for their appointment, stimulate their bulls then crawl back home and die. 
I always enjoy chatting with them in between ejaculating their bulls.  Bud will talk about his time in England during WWII.   Betty always dressed nicely with her hair done and makeup on, will watch over the doctor's shoulder as he measures their bull's scrotum size. They will tell me about their little date nights out to hear music and suggest some places I should check out.  It's always real nice to be around a couple of folks who have stayed together all these years and are still in love.  
You should see the two of them when a bull happens to blow a big load of crap in my face.  They think it's the funniest thing.  It gets even better for them when I try to wipe the poop off my face with my sleeve that I didn't realize had more poop on it and end up smearing more poop all over my face. I've been afraid they might drop dead from laughing so hard when that has happened.  It always cracks me up seeing those two hard working old folks lighten up. 
When my job as assistant ejaculator is done for the day, I give the bull a pat on the butt and apologize to him for being so forward.  Then I go look for something to wipe the poop off my face and call it a day.

Thanks again to everyone who has donated to the HERO Ride for Life Cancer Fundraiser Autumn and I are doing on Saturday May 7th.  There's still time to make a donation if you haven't had a chance yet.  Just email me at jacksonhillhorseygirl@gmail.com for where to send the donation.  You guys have really been generous and Autumn & I thank you so much!

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