My husband, Casey and I had gone back to New York for a week long family/friend reunion at Montauk Point. During all the visiting, eating, walking, surfing, eating, reading, looking at phones, eating, collecting seashells, eating...I had a funny feeling. Actually, it was more of a knowing then a feeling. As I walked out to my friend's car, on a trip to the light house, I all of a sudden knew that I was pregnant. I have never been pregnant before, and wasn't planning to be, but I was sure I was. I may have been a bit tipped off when my boobs tripled in size and felt like I needed to get a restraining order against them every time they bounced. Or maybe it was morning sickness which strangely felt like an, I'm never drinking again hangover, which it wasn't because I have been an in the closet sober for just shy of two years.
I quietly waited until our family reunion trip was over to take a pregnancy test at my sister's house. Casey and Kevin, Katy's fiancé, had left the house early that morning for a fishing trip. I laid in bed awake knowing that the little stick was waiting for me on the counter. I knew that once I peed on that thing that my life was never going to be the same. I was right. I told Katy to get in the car and we went to the store and bought another one. When the second test confirmed the first we freaked out. On that same day nine years ago, Casey and I had met.
Prior to these positive tests, I was in the middle of my mid thirties crisis. Any woman who is passing the age of 35 and is not sure if she wants to have kids or not, knows what a mid thirties crisis is. As my OB/GYN had been pointing out, I was no spring chick and I was pushing an old hen status. My chances of having a miscarriage or birth defects were increasing with my gray hair. It is a very hard thing to be a woman and to not have that intense desire to want children. I have always thought it would be easier to be baby obsessed instead of wondering why I wasn't. As I was speeding past my 35 year old mile marker I hit the breaks to figure out why I didn't. My answer turned out to be a question. How could I have a baby that I would fall in love with more than my own life and would someday have to let go to follow the song of their own heart? It seemed so crushing. Now, my surprise decision had been made. I was already in love with the little one inside me, more then my own life.
In that instant my world flipped over and my mommy brain kicked on. We are going to have to save money, get a better car, put a fence around the deck, get a washer and dryer, where do you buy those things you plug into the outlets? where is the baby going to sleep at night? what do I eat? what don't I eat? when do I call the doctor? how long have I been pregnant? are the schools around us good?...Bad habits were annihilated right then and there. Goodbye tea and mochas. Goodbye sushi. My life was not about me anymore.
When I snapped out of it Katy and I jumped into the car and went to Dad's. We told him that my little five year old brother, Kieran, was going to be an uncle. Everyone freaked out and to celebrate, Rachel made us letter pancakes. Kieran was so excited. He took off into his bedroom and rummaged around until he emerged with his favorite little pillow animal. After telling me how snuggly and cuddly it was he decided that he better hold on to it and get the baby something better. He ran back into his room and returned with a crusty old pacifier. He told us that the baby would like this binky much better. He even decided on a name for the baby...Bunnies John. Bunnies because it was a baby and John because it was his middle name (and our Grandpa's first name).
After Dad's house we waited for my Mom to come over to Katy's. We had tied baby balloons to the tests. When Mom arrived we gave her mother's day present a day early. She freaked out and seemed happier then she had in years. Not long after, the guys showed up with a pizza and we pointed to the balloons. Casey froze and I could tell that he was trying to figure out if I was messing with him or not. When I told him he was going to be a dad he was enchanted and then freaked out.
The rest of the visit was punctuated by telling everyone the news. I visited my 96 year old Grandpa at the veterans nursing home. He was very weak after have a long unwanted visit with pneumonia. When I told him I was pregnant, he held my hand tight and looked me in the eyes and wouldn't let go. From New York to Napa we shared the news of our little one with our moms, dads, grandpas, aunts, uncles, sisters, brothers and friends. A teddy bear, rubber ducky, pacifier, baby sling, guardian angel pin and cards accompanied us back home.
A few days after arriving home in California, I had my first doctor appointment. After the exam he gave me a good idea of how far along I was. He scheduled an ultrasound appointment at the hospital a few weeks later. I was so excited. Every morning that I woke up feeling sick and assaulted by my breasts was a great day because I knew I was still pregnant. Mom and Katy would text me every morning for the still feeling like crap update, which always got a :-) as a reply.
My body was changing everyday. Food that I loved I couldn't even look at. The soothing smell of lavender made me want to barf. I felt like some auto pilot switch got flipped on and I was just a passenger in my own body. A place deep inside me, that have never known before, now glowed warm with a small candle flicker of light. It was my little one. I could feel it but not like a physical sensation but more like a connection just glowing inside of me.
Everything I did, now turned into everything we did. My little one had already surfed with Casey and I at our favorite surf spot, Ditch Plains.
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| Casey is on the wave to the right, I'm on the wave to the left with a baby on board the board. |
She had flown across the country two times.
She had been with all of our family and friends. She planted a vegetable garden decorated with Grandma's pansies and Grandpa's orange marigolds. My little one came on a walk with Autumn, Lilly and myself to take photos for my
One Step At A Time blog.
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| Autumn and Lilly, my assistant blog photographers. |
My little one shimmied with me in belly dancing class. Autumn carried us on the beach and gave us the sunset between her ears.
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Autumn sharing heaven with us.
The wind of heaven is that which
blows between a horse's ears.
~Arabian
Proverb |
We rode through the forest with Autumn and Lilly and listened to the birds sing their songs. We watched osprey hunt, humming birds splash in the mountain spring and red tailed hawks glide halos around the tall pines. We watched the barn swallows build their nest with fallen hair from Autumn's tail. I rested my hands over the glow I felt in my belly as I looked up at the momma swallow nestling her eggs.
Autumn carried us past the yellow lupine at the beach.
She sailed us through the seas of daisies, forest irises, butter cups and purple thistles in the pastures of the ranch.
During the past few years, life had been flipping through the calendar pages. Now, with my little baby inside, life had come back alive again. Now everything in my life was with and for my little one to know and learn.
The Wednesday of my ultrasound, time crawled slower as our appointment time neared. I was so excited. I couldn't wait to take home the first picture of my little baby. Casey came with me and my full bladder to the appointment. The technician tilted the screen and began to type in measurements. She then asked me how far along I was. After I told her she asked me if I was sure. She pointed out our little baby that was the size of a sweet pea. My heart stole the image of the our little sweet pea.
The technician told me I could get dressed and the doctor would get all the information by Friday. We left without an ultrasound picture. I thought that maybe the doctor would have it at our appointment the following week.
The following day at work I received a call from my doctor. He wanted me to come into his office at the end of the day. I knew something was wrong. He was not supposed to have my results for another day. Casey came with me. The doctor told us that the ultrasound showed that baby had stopped growing with my pregnancy and they couldn't find a heartbeat. He told me that it looked as though I was having a miscarriage. He scheduled another ultrasound a week later to measure the baby's growth and compare the findings. In tears I left without a picture.
That night I wept. I wept past exhaustion into an eerie calmness. I decided that I had one week to love and enjoy my little sweet pea inside me before my next ultrasound. Casey was so careful and tender with me. I told him that I wanted to take our little sweet pea some place beautiful. We packed a picnic, and with Lilly, went to ocean. The fog cleared as we drove into town. We walked along the fringe of the rocky promontory above the Pacific. The sky and sea blazed bright blue. We watched a baby seal roll and splash in the waves as his mother watched on. A sea lion swam below the liquid glass gently as a butterfly. Grazing bunnies hopped off our path and under the berry bushes as we passed. I rested a hand on my belly.
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Casey & Lilly
Together we can face any challenges as deep as the ocean and as high as the sky. ~Sonia Gandhi
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We finished our walk, spread out a blanket and had lunch. The warm sun and lullaby of the waves settled me into sleep. I woke up to a brilliant world but felt a shadow passing over it.
That night I tucked Autumn in her stall at the barn. I kissed her good night and I walked home down the hill. It was a still night. I walked slowly, hand on my belly and I could hear my little one. It was not words but it was her. She told me that she didn't want to leave me. I did not want her to leave. I told her I loved her so much and I always would. I told her if she had to go it was okay. I cried the rest of the way home, still with my hands on my belly. That night I lay in bed. I could not find her flicker, I could not feel her glow, I could not hear her. She was gone. That spot I had never known existed before my little sweet pea, now felt like it opened in to the universe. Black and endless. Empty.
That week at the ultrasound appointment the technician pointed out my little sweet pea, that was still the same size. Everything else physically, for my pregnancy was proceeding at its "normal" rate. She showed me how she did not have a heartbeat and that is when my own heartbeat stopped. She said she was sorry. I asked for my picture. I left with my picture, by myself.
I studied the picture of my little sweet pea all night. I noticed how she looked like a little girl in a dress with her arms stretched out. That picture has come with me everywhere since.
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| My little sweet pea |
The following day, the doctor confirmed that my sweet pea had passed away. We discussed what to expect and what our options were. Days passed as my body continued to be pregnant. I still took all my vitamins and continued acting like my little one was still alive. Until she was not inside me I felt like I still had to take care of her just because I still could. Everyday, my morning sickness brought more sorrow as I carried my poor little sweet pea inside me. It was devastating.
It was decided that I needed to have a surgery. Mom, Dad and Katy were always just a quick phone call away when I needed them. My friends were there for me with cards, funny movies, amazing mind numbingly good cookies, flowers and gifts. The day before my surgery they took us for trail ride. It was a wonderful distraction.
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Casey's selfie getting photo bombed by a bunch of crazy horse girls.
Me & Autumn, Elizabeth & Rosie, Louanna & Harley and way in the back Cindy & Beauty |
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| Autumn my best friend, carrying me and my heavy heart. |
Casey stayed by my side for the surgery with my ultrasound picture. I woke up in recovery in tears. I had lost my little sweet pea. My friend Beth, that worked at the hospital, brought me her remains as I had requested. She fit in a container the size of a baby food size jar. I wanted to take her home to rest on the ranch where the wild daises laced the pastures, where the deer grazed, and the winds blew across the mountains.
The morning after the surgery was a poem written by a spring day. I sat outside and sewed a little heart pillow with a bunny on the outside to place my little sweet pea inside to rest in peace. As I sewed the heart together bittersweet feelings drifted around me. When I realized that my little one had passed away, the grief was shattering. I have never known a sorrow so brutal. Although our time was short, I will never make an excuse for loving her so much and for mourning her so heavily. Every moment that I knew I had my little one with me was the sweetest and some of the happiest of my life. There is not a single person that I wish I had not shared our excitement about her with . I was glad that I celebrated our time together with the ones that I love. She gave me the gift of being a mother and knowledge of knowing that I would like to have a child someday. Bittersweet.
Casey built a beautiful wooden box which I lined with a blanket of stars. I filled it with pictures of Casey, myselft and all of our beloved family and friends. I tucked her teddy bear, her binkie and her rubber ducky inside. I tied a bouquet of daises, that I had picked with Autumn and Lilly, with a piece of Autumn's mane and laid it inside. I wrote her a letter and slipped it in the bottom of the box. I then tucked my little sweet pea into the heart and placed her inside. I closed the cover.
We buried her under the Honey moon. Casey planted orange and purple daisies on top and placed a sleeping bunny statue in the middle.
We left her with broken hearts in the blowing daisies.
A special thanks to Casey, Mom, Dad, Katy, Rachel, Kieran, Kevin and to all my family and friends for being there full of love and comfort through such a sad time in my life. Thanks to Autumn for carrying me through the darkness. I'd like to thank Snicker bars and Taylor Swift on repeat for helping me cope.
Copyright (c) 2014 Jacksonhillhorseygirl.com July 1, 2014
