Pee On

At the veterinary hospital, I have to schedule the occasional horse castration.  There always seems to be an air of awkwardness for both the client and myself when booking this type of appointment.  The clients problem stems from not knowing what to call this procedure.  The normal terms for the procedure are "castration" or "gelding".  Stumbling over what to call it, I've had clients ask to have their horse "neutered" or  to have his "testicles amputated" or he needs his "nuts chopped off".  Sometimes it takes me a minute to figure it out when a client tells me their horse needs "brain surgery" or a "vasectomy" or his "tubes tied".
Once the client has spit out their request, I then get to hit the awkward question ball right back in their court by asking something they never prepared me to ask in college ..."Have both of his testicles dropped?"  There's always a few seconds of dead air on the line until I get an "Ah?" or a "hum" and then I usually get "How do I know?".  This is the second best thing I get to say when booking this type of appointment "You'll have to feel for them."   Good bye pride!  33 years old and I get to ask people at work... Have you grab your horse's balls lately?  
A normal response is something along the lines of why wouldn't he have them both?  I then have to explain that sometimes one testicle is hanging solo while  his buddy is hiding up in the body somewhere. This is called a cryptorchid.  If one isn't swinging next to his dance partner the simple 1 hour procedure with one doctor turns into a two doctor search and destroy mission. 
Last year, we did have a cryptorchid castration to do.  The doctors had the horse lay into an easy sleep under general anesthesia.  He was propped up in a cradle, laying on his back with legs up in the air.  The procedure was going well, we got the first testicle who was at home base and the doctors went out to seek out the one that was hiding.  Luckily, this sucker wasn't to far from where it should have been.  The doctor was starting the removal when the horse started to pee.  "Grab his Penis!" the doctor yelled at me.  Well, I grabbed a hold of that slippery sucker and redirected the stream away from the incision site and bam!  I peed it right in my face.  The normally unfailing concentration of the doctors was broken to laugh at my new facial.  I got a little pissed off but I've seen both of those guys get diarrheaed in the face horses and cows and I was over it.  Now I just felt a part of the club.  After the procedure, I wiped off my new membership as the horse recuperated just fine after his "brain surgery".
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